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I chose to be the change I wanted to see in the world

Posted on: September 10 2020

IMG_9008 edited_landscape.jpgJessie Ace on how she's found purpose thanks to her diagnosis

You might remember reading my story back in March 2019 (issue 114 New Pathways page 14, How you react to your situation defines you as a person) where I explained how I’d been diagnosed ages 22 just after university. 

I’d studied for three years on a design craft degree, and I’d set up a business in my second year as an illustrator. I’d worked so hard to build that business to make sure I had a way of earning money when I left. I had an agent ready to represent me at trade shows worldwide, I had a children’s book deal, and I had my work ready to be stocked in boutique stores all over the UK. Life never goes to plan, though, does it?

Things didn’t start to get better till about four years after I was diagnosed. Luckily my left side came back, and my right hand that also lost feeling a few weeks after my diagnosis came back too. But by that time, I’d lost all confidence in myself. The agent, book deal, and boutique stores all disappeared. I felt like I‘d lost who I was. I didn’t trust my body anymore. 

Moving forward

It wasn’t until I joined my then-fiance and started our wedding advice business for brides to be that I started sharing more of my story. Until this point, I hadn’t told anyone about my MS. Brides started asking me for help with how to plan their wedding around their illness. It was at that point I realized my story could help someone else. 

Now, seven years after my diagnosis, I build my confidence, and now I do things I never thought I would.  

Somehow, unconfident, shy little me is the host of the DISabled to ENabled podcast, interviewing famous radio DJ’s, Paralympians, celebrity chefs, CEOs, and people who, like me, got a diagnosis and found a way to help others. 

Even the ENabled Warriors in our Facebook group get involved in asking questions, which I love. 

Charity work

I’ve now worked with the biggest MS charities; writing, illustrating and sharing my story, and talking about the things that don’t get said. My words and illustrations help to inspire others with chronic illnesses live their best lives, filling the internet with positivity in case doctors say, as they did to me, to ‘go home and google it’. 

The thing I’m most proud of is that I’m now an author! I created the ENabled Warrior Symptom Tracker to help people with chronic illnesses track and manage their symptoms and lifestyle. It also enables you to keep accurate symptom records so you can access the best possible treatment. I’m giving a donation to MS-UK if you order it here Order symptom tracker 

Waking up with a numb left side gave my life purpose and meaning. I decided to turn around in that negative state and chose instead to be the change I wanted to see in the world. 

I would love to find out about your diagnosis story, so please get in touch with me. Find me @DISabledtoENabled on Instagram or in our Facebook group ‘ENabled Warriors’. Make sure to catch my live Instagram videos. 

I don’t like the term ‘DISability’, find what why on www.JessieAce.com.

“I am learning to be kinder to myself and others”

Posted on: September 08 2020

sarah cant.jpgSarah Cant’s MS nurse recommend she try MS-UK’s Counselling service

I have had counselling before for depression, but being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS) is something of a shock! It was recommended by my MS nurse, so I looked it up on MS-UK’s website and it seemed like an excellent idea. The weekly sessions by phone, with a voluntary contribution, were very helpful. I knew that a good counsellor doesn't tell you what you should do, but helps you think about how to see things differently and cope with life.

Obviously 2020 has been a completely different kind of year. I postponed my first appointment as my husband was ill, the week before that he had been admitted to hospital and the Prime Minister had announced lockdown, so I was overwhelmed. But I was glad to have this opportunity to learn to cope better, as well as coming to terms with MS.

I have reduced my Prozac. I have been making an effort with friends, calling and texting more. I am learning to be kinder to myself and others, so hopefully my husband benefits too.

Society has started to learn the importance of good mental health. The service by MS-UK is excellent. I guess in a way that I am used to living with a disability or chronic condition as I have been deaf from birth, but I have learnt some new ways to cope.

Click here to find out more about MS-UK's Counselling service

"Being an MSer brings with it a myriad of surprises"

Posted on: September 02 2020

As the mercury looks set to climb again this week, Martin Baum recounts his struggles during the recent heatwave

Martin profile 4.jpgPicture the scene. To say I’m overheating would be an understatement. I am literally dripping in my own perspiration and it just won’t stop.

For almost 40 years I have endured fatigue, speech and sight issues, as well everything else that goes with having multiple sclerosis (MS). Disconcerting, then, that I found myself at 5.30AM in the morning recently on the kitchen floor, completely starkers (as you do), door open, overwhelmed by pulsating beads of sweat that refuse to abate no matter how vigorously I try to towel myself dry.

My saviour

Fortunately, though, my wife Lizzy was there to calm me and sponge me down for almost an hour. Some might say lucky me and, in different circumstances, I might agree. I don’t doubt the recent heatwave was a major contributory factor but, nevertheless, the feeling of not being able to find an off switch for my body thermostat was very distressing.

But Lizzy’s a practical woman who not only knows how to reassure a percolating stark-naked man but also, thankfully, how to Google heat sensitivity with MS.

Here is what she found.

‘MS damages the protective sheath around nerve cells in your brain and spinal cord. This slows down nerve signals so your body doesn't always respond the way it should. Heat can slow these signals even more. MS can also affect the part of your brain that controls your body's temperature.’

It was difficult for me to process that information along with the birdsong that informed me that morning had broken. But then, as I have found, being an MSer brings with it a myriad of surprises, or should that be challenges, that make life that little bit more character building.

Mixed signals

Over the years I have learned to live with mixed brain signals that have fooled me into thinking that a bowl of hot soup was cold. Or times when my brain had hoodwinked me into thinking that walking backwards instead of forwards was a better idea. So now these transmission glitches that cause me to seriously overheat can be added to my MS martyrdom.

But I am far from down, and nor do I consider myself a lost cause. We’ve bought cooling gel pillows and a high-tech fan for the bedroom, so next time the mind wants what the body can’t give, it won’t be through lack of trying!

“I came to realise how strong I am for actually living with my condition”

Posted on: August 20 2020

Beth.jpg

We chat to 35-year-old Beth Graber from Cornwall about how counselling helped improve her mental health

Earlier this year, Beth undertook MS-UK Counselling sessions because she was at a time in her life where she felt she needed extra support and wanted to turn to someone neutral who could help. MS-UK provides a counselling service specifically for people with multiple sclerosis (MS), both over the telephone and via Zoom.

 What were you expecting from counselling?

I was expecting a friendly ear and possibly advice, and maybe just someone to be able to open up to.

The service was fantastic. I found comfort in the familiar voice each week and felt I could open up so much more freely over the phone, without judgement, rather than feeling anxious face-to-face. 

What benefits did you notice?

I understood more about myself, and about self-care and self-love. I realised I was being way too hard on myself. I started to understand more about why I was behaving in certain ways and instead of punishing myself, I began to take more care of myself mentally.

I realised that on the days I couldn’t physically cope, it was OK to rest and I stopped beating myself up for being ‘lazy’ – rest and recuperation are very important. I cannot blame myself for having MS and I came to realise how strong I am for actually living with my condition.

Being able to open up and ask for help from others was a big deal for me and this was made easier by having counselling. 

Did it benefit any of your personal relationships?

I felt I could open up more to friends and family, so this made it easier to communicate. I started to be more honest and not hide things, or how I felt. I was also able to ask for help.  

What would you say to someone with MS who is struggling to cope? 

I would say definitely try counselling. Having someone at the end of the phone to listen and just be there makes you feel so much better. If you are like I was, and keep in how you feel and don’t look after yourself emotionally, you will definitely see the benefits with counselling. It’s very true what people say – it’s good to talk! 

Find out more about MS-UK Counselling

Mum guilt is real, especially for those of us with MS

Posted on: August 10 2020

Hannah Morris on how feeling guilty about your kids is only intensified by a condition like MS

hannah resized.pngI recently confided in a friend because I was feeling pretty fed up of not having my own space any more thanks to the COVID-19 lockdown. I love my kids to bits. I’d do anything for them, really I would, but I also need a bit of my own space and peace each day too.

It felt wrong to have such feelings towards the very children that I have given birth to. I had reached a point of frustration that I just needed to get it off my chest. And, at such a low point for me, I needed that shoulder to cry on. Her first response was ‘mum guilt is real’. I had never heard of this term until this moment, but it made so much sense.

What is mum-guilt?

There are so many reasons why we mums experience overwhelming feelings of guilt. To name a few...

  • Guilty for not giving our children what they need
  • Guilty for not doing what we feel we should be doing
  • Guilty for wanting a break from it all

Most mums experience this to some extent at some point, but for people with multiple sclerosis (MS) these feelings can be exacerbated further as a result of some of the symptoms of MS.

Examples

For me personally, there are three symptoms in particular that have an indirect effect on my level of mum guilt – cogfog, sensory overload and fatigue.

  • Cogfog. I often forget things that I have promised my children and that can make me feel like a failure as a mum sometimes, especially when it is something that means a lot to them, or they are relying on
  • Fatigue. On some occasions, I simply don’t have the physical or mental energy to engage with them as I’d like to. I feel particularly guilty towards my youngest two, that I had after my diagnosis. I had so much energy for my oldest three and I feel bad that I can’t give the same kind of energy to my youngest ones
  • Sensory overload. This has only become a significant issue in recent times. Having five children at home with me 24/7 has meant living in a very noisy house from morning to night which makes me get noticeably agitated at times, forgetting that they’re just children and children make noise! I feel terrible for trying to take that from them for my own benefit. It makes me feel selfish

How to help yourself have a break from this feeling (practically)

Firstly, let’s begin with how not to do it. For me, my mum guilt has been particularly noticeable at this time because I’m with my children 24/7 without the usual break that I get when they are at school in the day. Without that natural break I sometimes find myself staying up late just to get that peace, which of course had the knock-on on effect of increasing fatigue and grouchiness the next day!

In open discussion with other mummies with MS I’ve learnt some great practical tips from them that can help to reduce the impact of common MS symptoms impact on parenting and therefore reducing the level of mum-guilt as a result.

  • Teach them about your MS so they don’t think it’s something about them
  • Help them to help you by learning to keep themselves occupied when mummy’s tired or having a hard time with her MS or getting involved in helping mummy with tasks she is struggling with
  • Plan ahead so you are not too exhausted on other tasks before a planned task with your children

How to help yourself have a break from this feeling (emotionally)

  • Forgive yourself. You’re doing your best!
  • Don’t compare yourself to others mums (especially other mums from the playground who don’t have MS.)
  • Talk about it. I did, and it really helped. It was great to learn tips from other MSers that I’d never even thought abou
  • Ask for help from your spouse, friends or family either with engaging your kids in the things that you’d like to, or otherwise in tending to matters that may otherwise prevent you from engaging with them yourself

As my friend said, ‘mum guilt is real’ and it truly is, especially for those of us with MS who have additional challenges to manage too. It’s not easy, but there are ways that we can make things easier for ourselves.

My research

As part of my research, I am hoping to support others in the same situation and invite you to join me in this endeavour by having your say in what would help you.

If you are happy to help out then you can complete this online survey here by clicking the ‘start’ button at the bottom of the page.

Or you can go directly to the survey by clicking here 

"When the diagnosis finally came, it was a relief"

Posted on: August 04 2020

IMG_20191026_190457.jpgJoanna Livermore talks us through her long road to diagnosis, embracing lifestyle changes and the positives she’s taken from having MS

My first symptoms started back in 2010. I’d not long moved up to Greater Manchester from Essex. My feet started tingling. I remember walking from my car to work one morning and I was wearing ballet pumps. I couldn’t keep them on my feet – all sensation was gone from them and they just felt really cold. That sensation gradually travelled further up my legs, and I kept switching between feeling hypersensitive to feeling nothing from the waist down. I went to see my GP, who referred me for an MRI scan. I never heard anything back from the scan. I didn’t chase it so I assumed it wasn’t anything serious or worth worrying about. Whilst that sensation I was experiencing is nowhere near as bad as when it started out, it’s never really left me.

Early clues

Between 2010 and 2017 I continued to pick up on odd bodily quirks. For example, I experienced random leg buckling, losing my balance without explanation, and even what I now know to be the multiple sclerosis (MS) hug (where you feel as if there is a tight band around your chest).

I could explain away everything though, from working too hard in the gym, to a sensitivity to caffeine. I distinctly remember one relapse where I spent about two weeks with my head over the toilet as I was persistently and violently sick from vertigo and double vision. Even at that point, aside from my GP suggesting that I might have had a stroke, it never seemed to cross anybody’s mind that I had MS.

That all changed in June 2017 when I lost my vision in one eye. After seeing my optician I was referred to St Paul’s eye unit in Liverpool and after three months, a lot of tests and loads of people asking me if I had tingling in my legs, I was told that I’d had optic neuritis and that I might have MS.

In limbo

After the initial shock of being told that I might have MS, honestly – I didn’t expect it at all – my world fell apart. I didn’t get my confirmed diagnosis of MS until four months later and that period of time between being told that I might have it and it being diagnosed was the toughest wait I’ve ever experienced.

What it did do, though, was give me the time and space to process that I was going to be diagnosed with a serious medical condition, whether that be MS, or something else. I had counselling through my work’s employee assistance programme to come to terms with what was ahead, which really helped me to prepare mentally. When the diagnosis finally came, it was a relief. Limbo had felt worse than the reality. You can’t do anything in limbo. Life is uncertain. You can’t move forward.

To read Joanna's full story, download the lastest copy of New Pathways for free! Download free copy

"COVID-19 put my Paralympic dreams on hold"

Posted on: July 24 2020

Mary Wilson explains how the pandemic derailed her chance to compete for her country

Mary Spanish Badminton Smash 2017.jpgMary was an army mental health nurse and completed four foreign tours before being discharged due to multiple sclerosis (MS). Then, aged 53, she began competing as a para badminton player, with her sights set on the Tokyo 2020 Paralympics. Since the games were postponed for a year due to Covid-19, she talks us through her training schedule and how the postponement has derailed her plans.

Competing

My plan for this year was to enter all Paralympic badminton qualification internationals to give me the chance of gaining as many selection ranking points as possible. The ground work to be able to do this was a cardio vascular and strength and conditioning gym session six out of seven days, plus being coached and playing games with my sparring partner.

It has taken many years to understand the boundaries that I have physically, initially being diagnosed with relapsing remitting MS and then being re-diagnosed with secondary progressive MS as my condition deteriorated. The condition is such a fluid and eclectic mix of different symptoms, such as lack of coordination, fatigue, pain, problems with sight, weakness in muscles, and memory loss. Trying to keep my training on an even keel depends on how I feel each day. Within 10 minutes of waking I will know what kind of day it will be for me and I take it from there. Balancing training with health is pretty much common sense. I eat well when I can, rest for a couple of hours in the afternoon if needed and try and get at least eight hours’ sleep per night.

However, I do find it difficult to eat breakfast, so often I would either go without or have to force myself to have cereal. Sometimes I would be too tired after training to cook and I would eat easy junk food or nothing at all.

On an average week, I’d train six days out of seven, with coaching, working out in the gym and sparring with my partner.

The decision to postpone

Since the postponement of the Olympics, my training regime has been blown apart due to the lack of sports facilities and being unable to associate with other players and my coach. I do believe it was the correct decision for the government to make, but that it should have been made much sooner.

Keeping self-discipline, a positive attitude and motivation is proving to be an extreme challenge. In the big scheme of things, I need to keep reminding myself that people are dying all over the world and that sport and ‘my world’ must come second to what is going on just now...

Read the rest of Mary's story in the current issue of New Pathways magazine, which is FREE to download this month! Download free copy 
 

‘I hit £1,000 last week and I don’t think I’ve stopped smiling (or running) since’

Posted on: July 24 2020

Rebecca Bailey Photo.jpegRebecca Bailey was diagnosed with MS during lockdown, and a ‘desperate impulse’ has resulted in her helping others just like herself with overwhelming support, she is our July Fundraiser of the Month

Here’s the thing you should know about me, I’m not a good runner and a strange phenomenon happens where I turn into a sweaty beetroot. Ask anybody. I used to run a bit here and there, nothing fancy. But now, despite the beetroot face, I’m going to keep running until I physically can’t anymore. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS) during the pandemic. That was a bit of a surprise for me, in a year full of surprises. And yet, this July, I’m running a (very slow) marathon over the course of the month. All 42km, bit by painstaking bit. Surprised? I know I am!

So what spurred on my July dash? I have to be honest, it was a desperate impulse. My symptoms are mostly tingly feet, but it’s pretty off-putting when I’m running not to feel the ground beneath me. Will I trip and swerve right off the path? Probably not, fingers crossed! For a while, I just wanted to hide and wait until the tingling went away. I couldn’t envision going out on the track like this. I saw the ideal version of myself I had in my head swerve off the path and fall out of sight. My confidence was broken. I stopped running.

Then I saw the MS-UK’s My MS Marathon campaign and madly thought “Yeah, alright then”. I had been trying to be vocal about my new health condition but I never anticipated what happened next. I linked up my fundraising page with friends and family and promptly forgot about it. I put my trainers on and managed to stay on the path for the duration of my run. 

I have email alerts on my phone, and as I pounded my way over tarmac and dirt track, I was accompanied by the ringing sound of emails flying into my inbox. At 2km I stopped for a breather and checked out what was causing the racket. A man was running past me at the exact moment that I whooped for joy, and I think I caused him to leap out of his skin. I couldn’t believe it, I’d smashed my £100 target within a couple of hours. 

Turns out, I hadn’t really told that many people about my diagnosis. My bad. They learned about it through my fundraiser, and all I can surmise is that they wanted to give me a hand. I just didn’t realise how many hands there were, reaching to give me a boost, a pat on the back, a high five. Old family friends, co-workers, lost friends, and against the backdrop of well-wishers, always my family. I haven’t seen my mum or dad, haven’t hugged them in four months. Not since before my diagnosis. But my family led the way with my fundraiser, reaching across the distance to keep me going. I was crying by 3km because my next target had whooshed by like the kilometres. By 4km, I didn’t know what to do with myself but laugh. To myself. In the middle of the street. As it rained. It was that kind of a day.

I started out doing small runs - 1.5km, maybe 2.5km if I was feeling brave. Before long, I fell back into the rhythm of my run. My muscles remembered what they were doing, I recognised the twinge of a stitch but pushed through it. I inched back up to 5km, and it had been over a year since I had the energy or the confidence to push that far. And now, when I feel like walking, I remember my backers’ messages and I keep running. 

I know that for many other people with MS, having MS-UK there will keep them going. It’s so important to help support people going through this frightening time. I know because I’m going through it too, and I need all the help I can get.

I hit £1,000 last week and I don’t think I’ve stopped smiling (or running) since. I’m still on the right path, for now. If you've been inspired by Rebecca's story or would like to donate, visit my-ms-marathon.everydayhero.com/uk/running-for-my-life

Start your own My MS Marathon

"It seemed to affect others far more than it did me"

Posted on: July 06 2020

Gary Williams resized.jpgGary Williams on his journey from diagnosis in the 1980s to the present day

I was 28 when I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS). That was in 1985, in the decade that fashion forgot, but one that sticks forever in my mind.

My symptoms started a year earlier. I was having a shave one morning and noticed that the pupil in my right eye was huge, whereas the one in my left was tiny. Unusual for a Tuesday, I thought, and when I blinked and looked again, the pupils had changed and the left was huge.

At first, I was just mildly amused but, as time went on, I began to question whether or not something was going on. I started having spasms and my body would cramp up quite painfully. To cut a short story long, I had all the usual tests, a lumbar puncture, and it transpired I had MS. My doctor gave me the news in the best way for me. He asked what I thought it was and what I would prefer it to be. I told him I was worried about it being a tumour as I had many brain scans, and also that it may be MS. He asked which I would prefer of those options and I answered, “MS, as removal of a tumour may alter my personality.” (Something which may have been welcomed by many!). He answered, “Well, congratulations, you have won your first choice”. Perfect way to tell me.

Early days

The first six weeks after my diagnosis were strange. It seemed to affect others far more than it did me. I spent most of that time comforting people, putting my arms around their shoulders and telling them everything was going to be fine. I suppose we were all stumbling around in the dark, as no one knew what we were dealing with. No one thinks about these things until they affect you or someone close to you personally.

Read the full story of Gary's MS journey in the latest issue of New Pathways which is FREE to download! Download free copy

Are you newly diagnosed? Download our Newly Diagnosed Choices booklet Download booklet

Could you take part in a study about poetry and MS?

Posted on: June 24 2020

georgi resized.jpgGeorgi Gill is looking for people to take part - no experience needed!

Since my diagnosis of relapse remitting multiple sclerosis (MS) in 2003, I have found it difficult to describe my illness experiences to family, friends and colleagues. I learned the medical terminology for my symptoms. Yet dysesthesia, optic neuritis and cognitive dysfunction don’t communicate the feelings of living with numbness, blurred vision or fatigue. I am not alone in this – it is acknowledged within the MS community that many people have difficulty explaining our illness to those around us.

As a poet, words are my stock-in-trade so I am very keen to find ways of improving this communication shortfall. Accordingly, I have developed the Poetry and Multiple Sclerosis (P.a.M.S.) Study, at the University of Edinburgh, in which I am inviting people with MS to try writing poems about their illness so we can explore whether poetry may give us new ways to communicate our MS to those around us.

People living with MS in the UK may be eligible to take part in the P.a.M.S. study which is happening online. Participation involves up to two interviews with me, and attending relaxed poetry workshops where there will be opportunities to try writing poems. No previous poetry experience is required, although if people have written poems before, they are also welcome.

To find out more about the P.a.M.S. Study, take a look at our website. If you have any questions or would like to discuss taking part, all the contact details are on the site.

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